hamlet is my homeboy

Second semester starts tomorrow.
It feels so unreal.
I'm so close to graduating, I can almost taste it. And now i'm panicking. There's so little time to do anything. I feel like I have to fulfill all of these dreams that I've had since grade nine in the span of four months (give or take). I need to make my mark. I need to start living.

My classes for next semester look good:

1. World Issues: Crabbetree (should be easy and informative and awesome)
2. Studies in Literature: Hodgeson - sp? evey, tell me - (will be EPIC. so many awesome people in the class + Hodge)
3. CanFam: Van B (easiest. class. ever. must do well)
4. SPARE: of epic proportions. Pretty much the best people in the world have this spare. it's awesome.

It's a solid semester. It's going to be a good time.

I hate Winter exams. They always seem so surreal and unnatural. Because it's not even like you have anything to look forward to: "I'm going to sit in a room for an hour and a half and tomorrow I get to do the same thing - only in a different room with different classes!". It just seems to disjointed and odd, compared to summer exams.

Winter exams are held in classrooms, usually two classes per room, of different grades. t's pretty funny to see terrified Minor Niners next to spazzing Grads, especially one one exam is an hour, and the other is two and a half (guess which one was mine?).. Summer exams are held in the gym. Each June teachers, janitorial staff and unlucky students to lug desk from the North building, down two (or four) flights of stairs, across the mall*, into the South building gym.

Summer exams are intense. You're in this massive room with five or six teachers pacing up and down, the rows are lettered and divided into classes. Everybody rushes in, sits down at a desk (hopefully in the right row) and then a teachers announces over a microphone that the exam begins. Then, slowly, the grade nine and time time limits are called. Then the grade 11. Then the grade 11 history. Then the grade 12. Then the grade 12 English. Then the grade 12 History. It's intense. And the moment you leave, you run into the Mall and just start SCREAMING** because you've been stuck in a hot, smelly room in June and you're done school and everything is wonderful.

Winter exams, though... there's no screaming, no running, no freedom. You leave your exam, you feel like crap, you go home, you feel like crap, you blog about it. It's unfortunate.

Anyway, so I did the Gr12 English exam today. It's Board-wide, so everybody does the same thing - same passage, same prompts, etc. The first part was easy, even though I think I missed up the thesis. Oh well. The personal responsive, I was *this* close to saying my father died was I was 12, but I decided against it, as Ms Isaac  met my father at parent teacher interviews. I did play the "child of divorced parent" card. We'll see how many sob points it gets me.

The essay? Shittiest essay I've ever written. My thesis was half-hearted at best, and it took me half an hour to freaking CHOSE A PROMPT. When Franklin announced that the time was up for the gr9s, I looked up from what barely passed as an essay outline and exchanged "HOLY SHIT I AM SO FUCKED" looks with J. Eves  left first (10:55, I looked at her time-out). I was next (11:10) after I gave up trying to proof-read and just wanted out of there. She was waiting around, so we went to the washroom, chatted about how we failed and went to our lockers in the South building (the gr12 building, as most of our lockers are there). I gave Matt a ride home because he's been having a tough time and then came back. And started studying for politics. And then FELL ASLEEP STUDYING.

Then I took notes, gave up, talked to Evey and started to blog.

That was my day.

I'm going to go back to trying to memorize Section 91 of the constitution***. Kthnxbye.


* not the Rideau Center. I was confused for four months in grade 9 as to why people would walk all the way to Rideau just to eat some cake really quickly.

** or dancing, if you're me

*** "identifies 29 areas of jurisdiction as belonging exclusively to the federal government"

Too soon, Best Buy. Too freaking soon.

I haven't updated in a week, for a very good reason. Life has been tough lately - I've had to deal with a lot of shit lately, including a betrayal by someone I never thought possible to do such a thing. So, you know. It's been rough.

but I think it'll get better. It's an upwards slope right now. Hard to do, but it's for the best. Once exams are over, I can concentrate on my Ryerson applications and getting my social life sorted out.

But things are good. I shaved yesterday, and moisterized everywhere. We performed Cinderella Is Dead, and as I was doing the opening monologue I just felt this... this... It felt natural. It felt -good-. It was like, "Oh, so this is what I've been missing from my life for the past 17 years." The words were coming out of my mouth, and I was in the zone and at the back of my mind I just heard this voice saying "Damn, you're good Davis."

I want to act. I want to be on a CBC TV show, or in an indie movie, act in a fringe play. I want to act in things that are meaningful and beautiful and important. I want to prove a point; I want to change things.

So. Love me Ryerson?

Being angry is sometimes just what you need.

I've been so angry for the past day and a bit, and now I'm feeling fucking fine. I feel empowered. I feel like I'm actually in control of my life.

Sometimes, just telling somebody that you're really fucking pissed and that it's all their fault is okay.

One day, I'll be able to tell this story. I wish I could do it now; it's a good one.

Urgh. Had such a shitty past couple of days. The Politics summative is from Wednesday to Friday, the English presentation on Thursday and Macbeth on Wednesday night. And to make matters worse, I broke up with Michael on Tuesday.

So, basically, the English summative is the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND I HATE IT.

I went to the library with Eric and stayed there until 5:30ish. then I went back to Lisgar and ate dinner with Sarah, and we walked to the NAC. We then waited in long for a while, and waited longer for Macbeth to start. (I took Sarah because I had promised her freaking ages ago). All the while all we did was talk about guys and gossip and relationships... and I'm feel better about the Michael thing. We talked earlier tonight, as well, and it's looking like... like we'll be able to be friends once we're over each other. We both admit that it's sad and shitty, but we'll be okay.
So that's good.

But Alex is in town, and I had an awesome time at improv (even though we didn't do any improv... just acted like idiots and danced). AND I BOUGHT PURPLE JEANS and its AWESOME.

Tomorrow is American Apparel Hoodie Appreciation Day. A day thought up by Kevin, because so many freaking people own American Apparel hoodies, its stupid. Mine makes me happy :)

So, it's been a shitty week and I'm working Friday and Saturday (all day Saturday) but I'm planning on getting wasted out of my fucking MIND on Saturday. So it's looking good.

Things are gonna be okay.

It happened.

i did it.

I feel awful and it's shitty and I fucking hate myself.

but I did it.

We're over.

I suck.
I hate my life.

Ben Marsters died January 3rd, 2008. He was in grade 12 at Lisgar, and had been going since grade 9. We went to the same school for three and a half years, and I never said a word to him in all that time. Not because I disliked him, or he disliked me, but because our paths never crossed. And now he's dead. And I never said a word.

I found out on the 4th, and ever since have been struggling for a way to voice the emotions that his death has caused me. It's made me think a lot of death (obviously) but also my friends, and my goals, and my future, and my own death. At first it made me think about what would happen if I died. Probably the same thing - there would be a Facebook group and everyone would talk about how nice and amazing I am, and my parents would hold a service, and my family would be devastated, and my little borhter wouldn't understand, and my older brother would be scarred for life, and there would be a brief assembly in the aud for all the grade 12s, and the grade 11s who knew me, and they would sit there and listen to Gledhill talk about the funeral arrangements and everything, and there would be a card, organized by Sarah Mackenzie, and all of that.

And they would talk about me, about the great stuff I've done, about how I impacted everyone around me, and it's just not fucking true. I'm not saying that Ben wasn't an awesome guy - I didn't know him, but everything I heard about him as been positive, and I'm sure it's true. It's just that... I want someone to stand up and say, "This girl wasn't happy all the time. She was selfish, she was moody, she could be vain and manipulative, and she could be a very very bitch sometimes."

And then today, Evey and I were sitting on Airport Benches, talking with Seb, then Matt, and then Graham. And were sitting and talking, and it's just so fucking STUPID. School, that is. We've worked fucking ahrd for 11 and a half years, and for what? So that we can all just go to University and grow up and die? What's the point? I can survive on a high school diploma. I won't have kids, I might not have a house, but I can live off of it. And besides, I'm just going to end up dying soon anyway.

What if I lost one of my friends? What if I lost chanti, or evey, or sarah, or graham, or kevin, or michael, or bora, or alex, or alexa, or fiona, or hannah, or ali, or jake, or jon, or matt, or anyone? I'd be absolutely devastated. I don't even know how to deal with it. It scares me so so much that I could lose them at any given second.

How can you live when death is always there? How do people do it?

So, I really love the Westboro American Apparel.

Unlike the Rideau one, which is over-lit, tacky, neon and filled with metrosexual bitches who haven't eaten in sixteen weeks and look like they want to eat you, or do cocaine off your ass, depends on the gender, this one was actually relaxed. Still reminded me of a sterile hospital, but the people working were really funny. I might even apply for a job there.

But then again, maybe not.

Anyway, I bought Michael's sweatshirt for him, and bought myself one as well. So I'm happy. Also, I really want these pants. Because they're YELLOW. When I deposit my cheques I'll ask my mommy if she can Visa them, and me pay her back in cash. woot.

school tomorrow.

kinda want to kill myself.

urgh.

Christmas Break.  Two weeks of "rest" and "relaxation". Two weeks to re-group from the school year and figure things out. Spend time with your family. Get really drunk with your friends. To just chill and have fun.

Of course, what schools forget is that we need this time to HAVE A BREAK. Teachers also forget that students have more than one class, and thus PILE ON THE WORKLOAD. Not only that, but any student with a part-time job also find themselves inexplicibly booked on almost every day they're not doing homework. With the added stress of applying for University (which nobody had done before, because they thought the break would give them enough time to focus on their future, which, of course, it didn't) Christmas Break never really feels like a break for anybody.

But this break has been really good for me. It's given me exactly what I needed - two weeks to be alone in my own thoughts and to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I applied to University (Ryerson, U of T, McGill, Kings), I made $170 at work, I served for the first time, I saw my brother for the first time in three months, I had an awesome time over Christmas with my family, and I spent a shitload of money on clothes for school.

It's also shown me who my real friends are, and, even more than that, who I really am.

Lately, I've been more and more honest. I just don't have the time or energy to be nice and fake anymore. I've been more honest this week, in my thoughts, my words, my actions, than I have ever before. And you know what? I feel good about it. I feel like this is who I am, this is what I'm like, and god damn it all, if you don't like, get away from me. I'm nice enough, I'm pretty easygoing. But I'm also sarcastic, hypocritical, extravagant, narcissistic, materialistic, ridiculously uptight sometimes and larger than life in a lot of ways.

And I want to be the person who points out the glaringly obvious. Fuck subtleties. Fuck that. Fuck being nice to spare feelings. That doesn't do shit all. I'm not about to go around being sorry for who I am. I'm going into theatre, I'm going to be an actress, I'm going to live my life the way I want too, because I'm going to die anyway.

I feel empowered. I feel GOOD.

And it's about fucking time.

(this, of course will only last until Tuesday and I ahve to face reality. Oh dear.)

So, today, overall, was pretty random.

Started off well enough, with work. Which really sucked until 2, when I was supossed to leave. But instead everyone in Ottawa decided that 2 was a really good time to go eat lunch, so I stayed till 4. Oh shit I forgot to sign out. Damn. Anyway. it was fun, and we wall talked about weird/bad relationships we've had.

After that, I lazed around and let my thoughts run away from me. Bad move.

Everything just... hit me. everything. the effects of my actions, what I've done. what's happening around me. How can I go on like this? He doesn't know, and I just... can't DO ANYTHING BECAUSE HE ISN'T HERE.  FUCK. How can I keep doing this? Who am I?

and I couldn't deal with it. I just withdrew into myself, refused to go to the movie with my parents (succeeding in pissing them off exponentially) and I drove them to Silver City. Then, on the drive home, I missed the turn to the Airport parkway and started to sob. Really, really cry - with swearing and sniffles and snot - the whole shabang. So I ended up calling Graham, had to hang up, then Sarah called me to see what was up. So I ended up on the phone with her, sobbing, while I drove down Montreal Rd/Rideau St. I got Evey's home number from her, and then I called Evey and told her that I was coming over to dye my hair. she was all "sure thing" so I went to the 24 hour drug store to buy hair dye. and while I was there, I figured, what the fuck, I'm in a bad mood, now is the only time I'll have balls to do it," and bought some condoms - for her pleasure.

Then I went to Evey's and we sat in her bathroom and had an awesome time dying my hair and now I'm home and then I talked to him and it was like, omfg, awkward and now I'm talking to him and it's like omfg pain.

fuck you, dangling modifiers! FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHER, TOO!

PS. when did 2008 happen?

So, in drama, we have two summatives going on. One is a Fairytale assignment, where we take a fairytale and put a twist on it. The other is a film, about the concept of beauty. The first is a ton of fun - it features me, as Cinderella, who goes crazy when she finds out that Prince Charming is cheating on her. The second is also a ton of fun, but significantly less morbid, although just as twisted. It's a mokumentary about three students trying to become hairdressers at Crystal's Beauty School. I play Crystal, and, in my own humble opinion, it's fucking hilarious.

Josh, Razvan,  Bailey and Evey came over to film the morning/random relay segments of the film. Kevin showed up about partway through, because he had a chiro appointment in Westboro. We filmed some awesome moments, some crotch shots of me, me beating Razvan with a giant iceball, Bailey pushing Josh into a snowbank, etc. It was very productive and enjoyable.

After, Evey's mom gave me a ride to my dads' house, and had a nice, albeit, very tiring (whenever my grandma is around, I get sleepy. Its really weird). After I got home, my mom and I watched some As Time Goes By (it's official - my family has a problem) and the first episode of MI-5. CAN YOU SAY INTENSE?!?!?!?

And now its 12;36 and I'm done blogging. Yay!

Seriously, though - all fuckedness aside, it was a very good night, for a party that was hastily thrown together with "Yo guys, I'm doing something at my house. Be there." The guest list included Alexa, Fiona, Graham, Rashid, Sarah, Evey, Jake, Alex, Bora, Grace and Erin (Hannah and her Misc. Glebe friends were invited, but never showed. It's just as well, considering that the party started to die around 1:30). A lot of people that I haven't seen ALL break, so I was really, really excited to see them.

FUCK.

Razvan, Bailey, Evey and Josh are going to be here in 20 minutes to film for drama class and I just woke up.

Fuuuuuck.

- I APPLIED FOR UNIVERSITY THE OTHER DAY.
Ryerson - Performance, Acting
UofT - Hummanities (Drama, Geography)
Ryerson - Radio and Television.

That's my LIFE. Right there, folks. That's my future.

What have I done?

Yeah. I know. Three week long absence - what do I have to say for myself?
Well, the whole ordeal started with Improv (we came in second place in Connor's Cup, btw - second by 6pts to Cantebury, national champions and freaking AMAZING team. so this is good for our egos). It consumed me, and the rest of the team for a few weeks. And then school started it kick my but and I lost all motivation to do anything except get through the day.

But all that is over now - Christmas vacation is here, and so blogging as returned. Some highlights -

• I bought Weeds Season One for my brother, and the next day bought Season 2 for me. There is a lot of Weeds happening.
• My mother and grandma taught me how to knit! I really, really suck...
  
• Michael is in Australia
• Rashid, Graham and Sarah went to work yesterday! (Eric had a family dinner, so he couldn't go). It was soooooooooooo much fun! And I SERVED FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THEM!!!Ahhhhh!!! INTENSE!
• New Years is coming up. I'll be doing some stuff with some people. What stuff and what people? You'll just have to wait until Jan1 ;)

There's a lot of drama and a lot of crap happening, though. Just dealing with some stuff. All will become clear, eventually.

IN THE FUCKING FINALS, BITCHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Turns out that I can't write Evey posts on Blogspot, either. Which sucks, because I had an awesome URL. Ah, well, such is the life.

I had a terrible day today. Let's copy and paste from my convo with Eric, shall we?

[&&] Davis                                  your reflection in shadows and dreams                                  steel: dec3 says: (8:01:03 PM)
I failed an English test, I didn't have a lunch, my summative group for drama sucks, then there was the fire, so I couldn't go to politics and improv was frigging cancelled because of the fucking fire.
Eric says: (8:01:26 PM)
that is one bad day right there :(
and we only have vanilla icecream, no chocoalte chip cookie dough, an old Grey's and Office, and..... My back hurts.

Sucks to me, doesn't it?


ZOMFG, CONNOR'S CUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't write Evey posts on here. I really want to actually write about something substantial and NOT just "I am bored, my life sucks". because, believe it or not, STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS TO ME. And talking to Evey tonight - just sitting and chilling - made me happy and want to actually write posts, like she does. So I'm going to try out Blogger, and see how that goes. I'll try to update this one as well, which will prolly be updated more because I write about shit all generally, but hey, who knows?

So yeah. See you on the otherside, mo fos.

I am exceedingly bored.

It's a problem.